Have you ever witnessed or experienced the degradation of a family, business, or other group after a central member was no longer present?
It’s common for a seemingly close-knit unit to disintegrate after the glue—the person who held everyone together—has departed for any reason.
Why does that happen?
While numerous kinds of cracks can penetrate a group’s foundation, consider two common failures:
- The vacated role is either filled by the wrong person or no one.
- She is not my mother!
- He is not at all like our old boss.
- Grandma had a way of talking to Bill and Jane so they’d get along, but neither will listen to me.
- Could someone tell the marketing department to consult with us in sales before they print another useless brochure?
2. Apathy is left unchecked.
- Since Grandma is gone, the cousins see no reason to spend a week of their summer at the lake.
- With everything on my plate, I refuse to mentor people who’d have all the resources they needed if they’d think for themselves.
- I’ve tried to set up a virtual meeting.
- Stella has not attended any of our briefings.
As the examples infer, underlying problems like emotions and poor communication complicate matters, but members can overcome the negatives—if they are motivated.
Key people must have a stake in the game: 1) the group delivers a worthwhile benefit to them, and/or 2) they perceive enough value in preserving unity.
One Matriarch’s Approach
Although not the eldest child of her large family, a woman I knew became the de facto matriarch by taking a no-nonsense stance towards her adult siblings. When they squabbled and carried grudges, she’d say, ”Get over yourself.”
In other words, put your ego aside to repair and preserve the relationship.
Accordingly, thinking ahead to the days when she would no longer be available as a sounding board for her children’s grievances, she repeatedly expressed her main wish for them: ”I just want you to get along.”
Wishing alone would not suffice. She instilled a love of family along with principles that underscored the importance of having one another in their lives. Accordingly, she brought them together for the joyful, sad, significant, and minor occasions. Leading by example, she taught them how to reconcile their disputes: accept responsibility, apologize, and forgive.
When she grew ill, her children disagreed on matters of her care, and the pain of losing her compounded their differences. The rift that developed among them would have destroyed other sibling relationships beyond repair. In this case, thanks to the strong bonds which their mother had nurtured, each member openheartedly contributed to restoring their kinship.
Indeed, countless groups attribute their endurance to the durable framework established by the original glue. Their ability to stand the test of time, however, always hinges on the desires of a core group (if not all members) to remain intact along with their efforts to prevent the cement from cracking.
If a situation appears hopeless, here’s a simple formula that any group can use to begin a new batch of glue: a sincere invitation to talk and the patience to listen.
Sallie W. Boyles, a.k.a. Write Lady
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